If there is anyone out there who has checked out my profile, you may have noticed that I list the city where I live as "Lost Angeles." This great city, however, is not alone in its confusion, it is merely a concentrate of larger cultural trends in our modern, media-driven society. And, what is that trend? Modern society is obsessed with youth to the extent of self-denial.
I think youth is great for what it can offer: energy, enthusiasm, health and being open to new ideas. But, where does this preoccupation with being youthful come from? To the extent that we value the "gifts" of youth, it seems natural for anyone to admire. However, to the extent we focus solely on appearances, I believe media feeds this frenzy and the formula is fairly straight forward -- it's called marketing demographics. This corporate sponsored social research targets age groups 14-35 because they are very good consumers. And, since this is the most profitable demographic, film and television producers are only too happy to meet the market's demand. As a result, society is bombarded with images of youth, their products and "culture."
In a society focused on youth culture, age becomes an important issue in the audience's mind. While everyone is different, we are also in many ways similar. Specifically, everyone wants to be needed and appreciated by others. However, in a society that prizes youth, this basic instinct now focuses and motivates behavior to claim this "social prize" -- the attention of others.
Now, if my argument sounds ridiculous, you are absolutely right! But, it's not the theory that is ridiculous, it's the reality. Personally, I really appreciate getting older because it brings me clarity where there was once confusion; I now understand that it is only through time that we gain the experience and knowledge to appreciate what is important. In other words, it brings wisdom. It seems to me, however, that wisdom is a tricky creature -- it only shows itself when we accept and embrace our experience. I've heard people say that, like gray hair, wrinkles are earned. They are a physical manifestation of our age and experience. It always saddens me when people say, "I wish I were 19 again." Such statements negate the invaluable knowledge and experience that people can only gain through time. By "falling for" the mirage that modern media promotes in the name of profit, people reduce themselves and what they are capable of contributing to society; they self-sabotage their potential for finding happiness with a single, careless thought.
If our basic need is to be appreciated by others through our relationships, that need is ultimately found in the beauty of another's character. Personally, I find that after I get to know someone, I only remember their thoughts and actions and can barely describe their appearance because that is no longer important in my mind's eye. While there's nothing wrong with putting our "best foot forward," the more energy and focus we put into our outer appearance, the less value we place on our unique experiences and gifts that actually make us who we are. And, while smooth skin is nice, its not going to save the world. It is our wisdom and experience, our wrinkles, that will ultimately guide us to our salvation :-)
Monday, March 26, 2007
Monday, March 19, 2007
Struggling with Perfection
Perfection. As a friend once said to me, it’s a highly “charged” word. I thought that was an appropriate reaction to it too because it seems to me that in our modern society, filled with images, many of us struggle with this concept; a concept that we set as a goal, but yet is unattainable at the same time.
First off, except for mathematics, there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection is relative to one’s culture, society, family and self. To this extent, perfection falls into the realm of art. That is to say, to the degree it “speaks” to the individual, it closely follows the measuring stick of satisfaction we each construct in our heads. In modern western cultures, for example, some see size “zero” as the ideal. However, in many traditional African cultures, society prefers a more “shapely” woman. In my mind, both these perceptions are ill formed; health should both motivate and determine people’s body shape. Unfortunately, many people see such social standards of perfection as an absolute and ignore what might be “common sense”. In this way, perfection is very much a self-defeating concept.
Perhaps the notion of “picture perfect” captures the essence of this “charged” word. Like the pictures we admire, “perfection” is all too rare an experience because it is based on a standard external from ourselves. Yes, the picture may be perfect for some, but that photograph is very often the result of lighting, makeup, photo refinishing, hair and clothing stylists, and was selected from among dozens or even hundreds of photos. So, in reality that “picture perfect” picture represents only an instance among many less perfect moments. As far as linking perfection with one’s satisfaction of the outcome, unless you are realistic in what comprises that standard, you are setting yourself up for defeat because you have set unreasonable expectations.
Now as a self-described “perfectionist,” I do not mean to say we should “settle” for what is available. I use the term perfection as a measuring stick by which I can judge my efforts. We are human and therefore imperfect. All I can do is my best and with that intent I allow myself to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to learn from them and try to do better next time. For example, I am not a very good writer, however I believe I have some good ideas. I know my writing is far from perfect and this Blog is my effort to improve these skills. While I struggle each week to communicate my thoughts, my goal is not perfection; it is simply to do my best. I don’t know whether I will become a better communicator, but over time the efforts of my journey will reveal their fruits.
While many associate “perfection” with “Godliness” I associate it with effort. We can never be perfect – it’s the nature of the human beast. However, we can strive to do our best. And, through our struggle others may catch a glimpse of our potential, our perfection.
First off, except for mathematics, there is no such thing as perfection. Perfection is relative to one’s culture, society, family and self. To this extent, perfection falls into the realm of art. That is to say, to the degree it “speaks” to the individual, it closely follows the measuring stick of satisfaction we each construct in our heads. In modern western cultures, for example, some see size “zero” as the ideal. However, in many traditional African cultures, society prefers a more “shapely” woman. In my mind, both these perceptions are ill formed; health should both motivate and determine people’s body shape. Unfortunately, many people see such social standards of perfection as an absolute and ignore what might be “common sense”. In this way, perfection is very much a self-defeating concept.
Perhaps the notion of “picture perfect” captures the essence of this “charged” word. Like the pictures we admire, “perfection” is all too rare an experience because it is based on a standard external from ourselves. Yes, the picture may be perfect for some, but that photograph is very often the result of lighting, makeup, photo refinishing, hair and clothing stylists, and was selected from among dozens or even hundreds of photos. So, in reality that “picture perfect” picture represents only an instance among many less perfect moments. As far as linking perfection with one’s satisfaction of the outcome, unless you are realistic in what comprises that standard, you are setting yourself up for defeat because you have set unreasonable expectations.
Now as a self-described “perfectionist,” I do not mean to say we should “settle” for what is available. I use the term perfection as a measuring stick by which I can judge my efforts. We are human and therefore imperfect. All I can do is my best and with that intent I allow myself to make mistakes, to be imperfect, to learn from them and try to do better next time. For example, I am not a very good writer, however I believe I have some good ideas. I know my writing is far from perfect and this Blog is my effort to improve these skills. While I struggle each week to communicate my thoughts, my goal is not perfection; it is simply to do my best. I don’t know whether I will become a better communicator, but over time the efforts of my journey will reveal their fruits.
While many associate “perfection” with “Godliness” I associate it with effort. We can never be perfect – it’s the nature of the human beast. However, we can strive to do our best. And, through our struggle others may catch a glimpse of our potential, our perfection.
Monday, March 5, 2007
Are Your Relationships Sustainable?
While the term sustainable is generally used to describe an economic approach to the environment, I also use the term to describe a larger philosophy and approach towards life that might be less obvious. If I describe a relationship as “sustainable,” what picture does that paint for you? Well, there are two principal relationships that this encompasses: the relationship you have with your self and the relationship you have with others. The significance of these two parts is that a sustainable relationship with others is not possible without first having a sustainable one with oneself. In this context, sustainable would suggest that a person does not require additional outside sources to manifest their happiness.
In order to achieve a sustainable relationship with yourself, you first need to like yourself, and not in a superficial way. We are each dealt an imperfect hand when we are born and therefore we each are blessed with assets and deficits. We have to make peace with our imperfections and embrace the gifts we have to offer. Unfortunately, in a media driven world where we put more faith in the projected images than we do our individual experience, this is not an easy challenge. However, when you do become your best friend, critic and advocate, you will have gone a long way toward achieving sustainability of self. Essentially you need to like your self and what you have to offer people. To put it another way – if you don’t like yourself, what are you actually offering the other person? The goal is to avoid co-dependent relationships where individuals seek validation and a sense of self-worth through the dependency of others upon them and vice-versa.
The other part of the “sustainable relationship” equation is the other people in your life. Ideally, we are content with whom we are and what we have to offer. In such a scenario, you want to do your best to communicate who you are to others so that they can accept you on your terms – what you have to offer. In this way who you are attracts people. This would be counter to how we communicate now which is via social queues and images. Talking on a cell phone, for example, seems to be an effort to indicate one’s popularity and thus desirability. Driving certain brands of cars likewise communicate financial status and success to indicate desirability. But, when people try to attract others into their life based on these lynchpins, over time they cause doubt, undermine self-confidence and are unsustainable.
I once worked with a woman who told me she had always dreamed of being a “mud-flap girl”. I was clueless. She then pointed out that many tractor-trailers have mud-flaps with the silhouette of a busty woman on it. Well, this girl had surpassed her goal of looking like a mud-flap girl and faced the repercussions of attaining here dreams. After achieving her ideal, she then felt unappreciated as an individual – guys were only interested in her looks! She aimed for a social queue for her principal public identity and that is exactly what she got even if it wasn’t what she really wanted.
So often I see people initially attracted to others for their style or appearance, to later find out that they personally have little in common to sustain a relationship. This approach to relationships can leave couples in limbo for years, never happy and always depressed. And, if they have children, the codependent behaviors are both well studied and well learned. In the end, we only want people in our lives that appreciate us for who we are. The sooner in life we start forming meaningful relationships, first with our selves and then others, the sooner we will find happiness.
In order to achieve a sustainable relationship with yourself, you first need to like yourself, and not in a superficial way. We are each dealt an imperfect hand when we are born and therefore we each are blessed with assets and deficits. We have to make peace with our imperfections and embrace the gifts we have to offer. Unfortunately, in a media driven world where we put more faith in the projected images than we do our individual experience, this is not an easy challenge. However, when you do become your best friend, critic and advocate, you will have gone a long way toward achieving sustainability of self. Essentially you need to like your self and what you have to offer people. To put it another way – if you don’t like yourself, what are you actually offering the other person? The goal is to avoid co-dependent relationships where individuals seek validation and a sense of self-worth through the dependency of others upon them and vice-versa.
The other part of the “sustainable relationship” equation is the other people in your life. Ideally, we are content with whom we are and what we have to offer. In such a scenario, you want to do your best to communicate who you are to others so that they can accept you on your terms – what you have to offer. In this way who you are attracts people. This would be counter to how we communicate now which is via social queues and images. Talking on a cell phone, for example, seems to be an effort to indicate one’s popularity and thus desirability. Driving certain brands of cars likewise communicate financial status and success to indicate desirability. But, when people try to attract others into their life based on these lynchpins, over time they cause doubt, undermine self-confidence and are unsustainable.
I once worked with a woman who told me she had always dreamed of being a “mud-flap girl”. I was clueless. She then pointed out that many tractor-trailers have mud-flaps with the silhouette of a busty woman on it. Well, this girl had surpassed her goal of looking like a mud-flap girl and faced the repercussions of attaining here dreams. After achieving her ideal, she then felt unappreciated as an individual – guys were only interested in her looks! She aimed for a social queue for her principal public identity and that is exactly what she got even if it wasn’t what she really wanted.
So often I see people initially attracted to others for their style or appearance, to later find out that they personally have little in common to sustain a relationship. This approach to relationships can leave couples in limbo for years, never happy and always depressed. And, if they have children, the codependent behaviors are both well studied and well learned. In the end, we only want people in our lives that appreciate us for who we are. The sooner in life we start forming meaningful relationships, first with our selves and then others, the sooner we will find happiness.
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